Rantings of a Life Coach

Many of my clients come to me complaining that there is not enough joy or happiness in their lives.  As they bring up past or current accomplishments, I often ask, “How did you celebrate that success?”   This simple question seems to befuddle so many people.  The typical response is “It’s wasn’t a big deal,” which translates into “I’m not worth all the fuss.”  Here we have the opportunity to feel joy and pride in ourselves for working hard and accomplishing something significant, yet we push away this moment because “it’s no big deal.”  How did we become such a celebration deficient society?   

Landing a new job is a big deal.  Finishing a major project is a big deal.  Standing up for yourself is a big deal.  Graduating from college is a big deal.  Being born is a big deal. 

Birthdays seem particularly challenging when it comes to celebrating.  After all, it’s just a day like any other day.  Graduation, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, they are all just another day.  What makes these days special are the actions and effort we put into celebrating them.  I, too, have suffered from this “It’s no big deal” syndrome.  Four years ago, I spent my birthday completely alone; no cake, no candles, no singing, no presents because the whole event of me being born didn’t seem like a big deal.

In my quest for more fun and fulfillment in life, I’ve discovered what a powerful tool celebration can be.  Yes, it may take a bit of planning and effort, but the payoff is incredibly rewarding.  Two weeks ago, I celebrated my 30^th birthday with vigor and joy.  There was so much celebrating that the festivities had to be spread over three days!  It didn’t just fall in my lap.  I had to communicate with friends and family and participate in ensuring a wonderful celebration.

When I talk with my clients about effective strategies for reaching goals, I put particular emphasis on the last step: Celebration!  We have plenty of voices in our heads that doubt us and tell us what we are doing wrong.  It is important to create positive voices that acknowledge what we do right.  By celebrating and rewarding ourselves for reaching goals, trying something new, taking action, and being born, we begin to tame those doubting voices and encourage them to cooperate when we’re going after challenging goals and actions.  Not to mention that celebrating can be a whole lot of fun!

Recently, one of my clients who was looking for more excitement in his life realized that he had not taken a moment out to acknowledge any of his major accomplishments.  Immediately following high school and college graduation, he jumped in his car and drove off to a new job in a new town.  He didn’t stay for the party.  He was too concerned with “What’s next?”  15 years later, he noticed he was feeling burnt out.  He was no longer motivated to work towards major goals because the negative voices in his head told him nothing he’d ever done was good enough or worthy of celebration.  So, what was the point of accomplishing anything new? 

Fed up with his disappointing situation, he was ready and willing to try some celebrating.  Each week, he celebrated some small feat with a toast, dinner out, fun with friends or whatever struck his fancy.  At first, this felt a bit awkward.  After all, he had a lot of practice at not celebrating.  Within a month, he had transformed into this smiling, confident man who had tons of energy and zest for life.  Most importantly, he was consistently motivated to take action towards life long dreams, because he knew with each step came reward and acknowledgement. 

I have watched this simple tool of celebration bring so much joy, laughter, excitement, and fun into the lives of those around me.  I hope nothing less for you.  I encourage you explore how celebration can play a bigger role in your life.

What are affirmations?

Affirmations, as we are referring to them here, are statements of the possible positive present.  Yes, fears, doubts, and imperfections may also exist, but when declaring an affirmation, you are choosing the positive perspective.  Since history shows us that “where attention goes, energy flows, and results show”, it seems that if you focus on the positive, the positive expands.  However, if you focus on the negative, that will expand as well.  For this reason, positive affirmations are a popular tool in the personal development industry.  Need I remind you that I am good enough, smart enough, pretty enough and gosh darn it, people like me?

 How do affirmations work?

You might question the usefulness of these positive statements about yourself and your life situation.  It may feel a bit foolish to look yourself in the mirror and proclaim all the great aspects of you.  However, if you were to stare into the mirror every morning and repeat “I suck, I’m a failure, everyone hates me, nothing good will ever happen to me,” I imagine life would seem quite bleak and not worth the effort.  And this is actually what we do to ourselves more often than not. 

Most of us have a continual, internal dialogue pointing out our faults, beating us up for the smallest mistakes, and reminding us of the possible disasters in our path.  So, we need to create some positive voices to counteract the negative ones and build confidence and faith.  That is the point of using affirmations on a regular basis.  You need to put energy into manufacturing these positive voices until they drown out the negative ones and become integrated into your natural state of being.

 What scientific evidence is there to support this?

First, let’s look to the neuroscience behind the effects of positive affirmations.  The flow of our thinking actually connects cells and neurons inside the brain.  Any thought that is repeated, creates a hard wired connection or neuropathway.  So, if you continually associate work with failure, that connection is actually part of the physical make up of your brain.  Unfortunately, you can’t simply say “Work does not mean failure” and expect to break that connection.   But, if you were to focus on how work leads to success, you will be building new, more positive neuropathways inside your brain and essentially reprogramming yourself for success. 

Next, let’s look at the biochemical effects of positive affirmations.  Studies indicate that expressing positive affirmations before going into a stressful situation actually lowers the level of Cortisol released into your blood stream. Cortisol is a hormone the body releases during stressful events which can lead to cognitive impairments and increased risk for physical disease. So, saying positive affirmations on a regular basis can improve brain functioning and be stress-reducing and health enhancing all at the same time.

 How can I use affirmations effectively?First, it’s important to find affirmations that resonate with what you’d love to create in your life.  You can do this by Googling affirmations, seeing what’s out there, and choosing the ones that seem to fit your needs best.  Another way is to list all the negative statements that fly around in your mind, and then create a positive affirmation for each to battle it out and conquer the negative ones.  In order to quickly create strong wiring inside your brain to support the positive outlooks and outcomes you are going for, it can useful to interact with your affirmations as many ways possible.  Write them, read them, say them out loud, record them and listen to them, stand and pound your heart as your proclaim them.  Find ways to incorporate all of your senses into the implanting of this desired condition or outcome.  Make the affirmations a full body, mind, spirit experience.

Affirmations are an easy way to make powerful, positive changes in your life, but to succeed you need persistence.  Deliberate meditation and repetition are key here.  We are nurturing fledgling neuropathways.  They need our consistent attention.  Post the affirmations on your bathroom mirror and recite after you brush your teeth morning and night.  Create a daily check in where you give yourself a gold star for each time you recite the affirmations.  Be creative, have fun, find ways to bring your affirmations into your daily life, and soon you will naturally think about how awesome you are and that all your desires are just around the corner.

“The Secret” and motivational speakers teach us the importance of thinking positive.  And it is true that this positive thinking can be an amazingly effective tool.  The reason being that our subconscious has numerous negative voices banging around in the background that taint our confidence and hold us back from achieving our goals.  Affirmations and ideal-outcome visualization help to counteract the negative and build a more positive subconscious.  (Isn’t that a cool idea?  That I’m not even aware of the great forces within me working towards my goal!)

When people first learn of this tool, the initial reaction is to push away all negative thoughts and feelings.  What usually ends up happening is we push these thoughts and emotions down deeper inside us where they sit and simmer until erupting at an inopportune moment or simply tainting our belief system with doubt in a subtle way that keeps our goals just out of reach.  So we have a thin layer of positive thinking covering up a deep well of negative.

I propose that there is a much more useful way of approaching these heart gripping feelings.  Science is telling us more and more that thoughts and feeling have a chemical existence inside our bodies, so we can’t simply pretend that they aren’t there and hope they go away without touching anything else.  On the other side of the coin, we don’t want to wallow in our sorrow either. 

One of my clients recently hosted a major event, and although she felt disappointed in some aspects of how things went over, she was determined to be a good little client and focus on the positive.  Which I totally appreciate, however as she was working on her next event, her chest became infused with this extreme anxiety and she began to violently lash out at her coworkers.   But, she kept pushing it back down and choosing to think positive.  This is your first clue that something needs to be addressed, if you experience a physical sensation of anxiety or pain.

If your negative thoughts and feelings present themselves in your physical body, they are calling out to be heard.  I believe they have useful information that will help in moving forward.  So, how do we do this?  The most direct way is to get out a pen and paper and write them down.  Keep writing until you get everything out; the disappointments, the regrets, the fears, the frustration, the concerns.  This step in and of itself may be enough to release the tension and get you flowing again.  However, we can do so much more!

Once all of the negatives are on paper, you can ask yourself if there are any lessons or solutions that emerge that can be applied to moving forward.  This is where the gems come to life.  “I’m feeling frustrated that the musicians did not stay with the play list I gave them.  I guess I can contact the agency and let them know of my disappointment and how it affected the event.  This way I will feel expressed and perhaps save or sever my relationship with them.  Wait, it also occurs to me that I could give a copy of they play list to the room manager with instructions to immediately address the musicians or agency if they stray from their instructions.  Ahh, now I know in the future I have a plan for dealing with this situation.”

Now we’ve given our negative feelings a place to live on a piece of paper, we’ve looked at the new possibilities gained from examining them, what’s next?  You have a couple of choices.  If you feel ready to totally let these go, throw them in the trash or burn them!  “Yes, I’m free!”  However, if you feel that these negatives will continue to resurface, here is what I suggest: put the list in a box or bag in the corner of your office or home.  Then, whenever future hindering thoughts along these lines come up, telepathically send them into the box or bag.  This gets them out of your body and not stuffed back into your gut. 

Eventually you will forget about them altogether and one day you will look over at the box and say “Oh, I forgot you were here.”  You are now ready to throw the list away.  The negative thoughts and feelings have been given the attention they demanded and you can move on to creating only positive ones along those lines.  How exactly do we do that?  Stay tuned for future Prosper with Purpose tips to tapping into your flow and experiencing a more fulfilling life every day.

No person is an island.  No matter how hard you may try to isolate yourself or stand in complete independence, you are still connected to others in so many ways.  You have family, friends, neighbors, teachers, colleagues, clients, and even strangers who play a significant role in the outcome of your life.  At a recent workshop, a woman was expressing her vision for the next ten years, but was frustrated that so much of what she wanted to create in her life depended on the actions of other people.  The woman was ready to throw up her hands and assume her desires were not possible because she didn’t have control over every detail.   You cannot control every aspect of your life.  At some point, an outcome, circumstance, or inspiration will depend on the actions of another person.  In fact, I bet you can look back on your life and think, “If I had never met that teacher/friend/client, I wouldn’t have ended up where I am today.”  So what can you do to influence the type of people who impact your life. The Law of Attraction offers a couple of suggestions.  First, if you discover that in order to have a successful home and work life you will need a supportive and loving spouse, then intend it.  Take a moment to get clear on the kinds of people you want in different aspects of you life.  Take out a piece of paper and write Friends, Family, Work, Partner, Community and next to each one write a one or two word description of the types of people you want in that area of your life.  (Oops, I slipped in action a bit early.) Second, the Law of Attraction suggests over and over again that an “attitude of gratitude” will bring more of what you’re grateful for into your life.  That includes people and their actions.   This past weekend, I had the pleasure of being one of the many honored at a Gratitude Party hosted by my sister, a cancer survivor and thriver.  The party was an opportunity for Lizabeth to publicly acknowledge those who had made supporting her through her treatment a priority in their own lives.   The room was filled with nearly 50 people who had contributed to her healing in various ways: from a simple phone call to major financial support.  There was a friend who had driven and hour and a half to be with Lizabeth for every single chemotherapy appointment.  Others who had taken care of her child on days when she barely had the energy to get out of bed.   These people and their actions made a huge impact on the events of my sister’s life, which have led to the present where she is strong, healthy, beautiful, and vibrant.  Lizabeth, a keen student of LOA, knew that by putting time, energy, and effort into celebrating and honoring what she was grateful for (rather than taking it for granted or, even worse, feeling guilty about receiving from others), that she was inviting more opportunities to be grateful in the future.  So, how do you feel about expressing your gratitude for the impact that others have made in your life?  When you look back on your major accomplishments, who can you turn to and thank for the part they played in helping you achieve success?

When Michelangelo saw a huge block of marble, he knew David was inside, and that all he had to do to reveal this divine figure was to chisel away all that was not David.  We too, like Michelangelo, can look at others and see a potential masterpiece inside; if only we could chip away the excess.  We do this with our children, friends, peers, spouses, and even strangers.  Often our desire to bring out the full potential in others inspires us to take hits at those around us.  Yes, constructive criticism and useful feedback play an important role in the development of all of us.  However we need to use caution.  A block of marble looks and feels strong and hard, but there are weak veins running through it.  One miss strike may tap on a person’s insecurities and reduce all that potential into a pile of rubble.  As a masterpiece in the making yourself, it is important to be aware of your own veins of weakness.  Knowing your vulnerable places can guide you in what parts of yourself to protect and where to place your boundaries.  Michelangelo was a skilled artist with an expert knowledge of how to sculpt a masterpiece with patience and care.  Consider that perhaps you are not meant to actively sculpt another human being, but rather to stand as witness to their journey, observing and learning from their mistakes and progress.Yet, if you feel absolutely sure that your insight will be of great use to another, take a moment before adding your input.  Step back and really look at this block of potential in front of you.  Notice the veins of weakness and take care as you proceed with a gentle, steady hand, ready to smooth away any rough edges that may appear as you begin to tap. Putting it into Action             Criticism is often a deep-rooted habit in the way we think about the world around us.  So, let’s take some time to approach the subject on the level of thinking.  Over the next few weeks, become aware of your critical thoughts.  Notice when you are judging someone in your mind.              For example, “I can’t believe she is wearing that!”, “This guy is such a rich, pompous jerk!”, “That woman is has no idea how to handle her kids.”            As soon as you catch yourself thinking this way, take a moment to stop and forgive the other person for being less than perfect.  Then, forgive yourself for having the thought in the first place.  This act of forgiveness, even on the level of thought, will release negative energy that the criticism has created.              You may find yourself forgiving the same person for the same thing five times within ten minutes.  That’s perfectly okay.  Each time you forgive, you will feel lighter and soon a smile will appear on your face.            Once you’ve released the sense of judgment from the situation, you will then be able to see if there is a useful action or statement that you can make to help promote progress rather than destruction.  Or, if it’s now simple and easy to move on and put your attention elsewhere.            Now here’s the real test, when you have a critical thought about yourself, can you forgive yourself for being less than perfect and again for have the critical thought in the first place? 

Yes it’s true, I’ve read a million psychology, philosophy, as well as personal and business development books.  Almost all of them introduce the concept of synchronicity on some level.  Plainly put, synchronicity is an experience of two or more linked events beyond coincidence.  Somehow they seem perfectly timed with logical meaning, and yet are inexplicable.  It’s almost as if the Universe places exactly what we need right in front of our face.  Being the kind of person who likes to take full responsibility for my accomplishments, I always thought synchronicity was a mild coincidence that you had to be on the keen look out for to discover or notice.  However, I’m learning that our Universe is very responsive and more than willing to meet us halfway if we put the smallest bit of effort into a true desire. Recently, one of my clients had an impulse to reject a job offer that would have helped him out financially, but something in his gut told him to turn it down.  It was challenging for him think beyond the money.  Saying no was taking a risk, but with my support and belief in him, he felt great about the decision to let the opportunity go. Two days after he said no to the company, they called and offered him a much higher position in a department he preferred, with travel, benefits, more responsibility, ad three times the pay!!  I began to think there was more to this synchronicity thing than I had given the Universe credit for.  This time the job felt just right, so my client went for it, and it has already led to more opportunities that are totally in line with his long-term career goals. Synchronicity has even shown itself in my life.  Last week, I was reading a book on womanhood that suggested that women take several hours each week away from work, home, and other people to simply be alone and recharge.  My entire body responded with “Yes, that’s exactly what I need.”  But, I had a lot on my plate and couldn’t see any free time in the near future. The next morning, I rushed off to co-teach three hours of classes in Chinatown.  Upon my arrival, I was told that the other teacher had a medical emergency, and that the classes had been cancelled.  Suddenly, I was far from home or office with three hours on my hands. I immediately asked myself, “Who can I call?  What errands can I run?”  I was about to spring back into motion when a higher voice said, “Why don’t you walk across the Manhattan Bridge and spend some time alone to recharge?”  Which was exactly what I had longed for the day before.  Wow, synchronicity can really come up and bite you on the arm! So, what are the lessons here?  Both instances started with an impulse, a gut instinct: “This job just isn’t right.” “Gosh, I really need more time by myself doing nothing.”  Next, came a choice: finding the courage to push past fear and obligation, choosing to go for what you really want versus what you feel you should do.  It takes discipline to listen to that inner voice and accept the clarity and truth of the situation.  Perhaps this voice is giving us a glimpse of what is possible, a bit of guidance towards our right path where the Universe is waiting with treasures.

Two years ago, I started looking at the concept of prosperity and saw lack in the lives of many people around me, as well as in my own life.  One friend had plenty of money, but he hated his job and had become fat, bitter, and lazy.  Another person was extremely successful in her career and finances and had made fitness a high priority.  However, she barely interacted with anyone outside the gym or office and seemed never to enjoy a moment of peace and calm.  Personally, I had worked hard to create a great deal of success in my career, my love life and happiness, yet I was sick and broke all the time.  None of us were experiencing true lasting joy and success.  I made a commitment to discovering a way of opening up the realm of prosperity possibilities.First, let’s take the word prosper.  The American Heritage Dictionary defines prosper as “to be fortunate or successful, to thrive.”  So, if you are struggling just to survive, that is not prosperous.  Many people have strong prosperity in one area of their life, but not much in another.  To experience true prosperity in all areas of our lives, we must find a balance of wealth, health, love, peace, and action.            Marsha Sinetar in Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow suggests that lack of success in any area of your life can be traced back to low self worth.  On some level, you feel unworthy or undeserving of prosperity.  So, if we can raise your level of self worth, we can raise your level of prosperity.  I began to wrestle with the question “How do we create a higher sense of self worth?”  Yes, you can look at yourself in the mirror every day and say “I am worthy,” and I believe that can definitely help.  But, I wanted to help others go deeper and find techniques to continually build prosperity in tangible ways.            If you go out and buy an expensive pair of shoes for no good reason, you may feel guilty, beat yourself up, and then not be able to afford food for the rest of the week.  However, if you finally finish a major project and buy yourself the shoes as a reward, suddenly you are bouncing down the street feeling proud and accomplished.  You catch the eye of someone walking towards you, fall in love, get married and all your dreams come true!  Well, maybe it’s not that simple, but you get the idea.  The difference in the two scenarios is the feeling of deserving through having earned the shoes.  Here’s another example; an angry wife continually tells her husband that he is useless, that he never does anything.  In truth, the man does little in the house and avoids home as much as possible.  At this point, it makes little difference which came first, the angry wife or the hapless husband.  What’s important is that their relationship suffers and shrivels.  Let’s say the two get some inspiration from a loving couple they have over for dinner.  The next day, the man takes out the garbage.  When he comes back in the house, his lovely wife says, “You are such a sweet heart.  Thank you for taking out the garbage.  The house smells better and I feel supported.”  Wow!  Not only did he do a useful action as far as a good smelling home, he also contributed to his wife’s positive state of being.  Now this man feels proud and accomplished.  He will most likely be inspired to contribute more, bringing more meaning to their relationship, and their love will begin to flourish.So, at the heart of these examples is feeling useful, like you are contributing to something.  I propose that bringing a sense of meaning, accomplishment, and purpose to you life will raise your level of self worth and invite in more prosperity.  Thus, Prosper with Purpose Coaching was born.  I help my private clients set exciting goals based on where they want more prosperity in their lives.  We then devise powerful strategies and break them down into tangible actions to move towards their goals.  The actions begin to bring a sense of purpose into my clients’ daily lives until it become natural to act from a place of contribution.  As their sense of accomplishment and purpose increases, so does their happiness and health, as well as their bank accounts.  They are able to prosper with purpose.

As 2007 draws to a close, many people are rushing around trying to force an enormous amount of actions into these last 10 days.  Living here in NYC, I get to see first hand thousands of scurrying, frantic shoppers and workers.  Just this morning, the Friday before Christmas, I received emails asking for meetings next week.  Now come on, do you think I have that little to do over the holidays that I can squeeze in a coffee for some salesman to tell me about his latest nutritional product?

Just three days ago, I was playing the same game, insanely trying to finish a major work project so that it can launch before the new year, not to mention the many Christmas presents that have yet to be bought and wrapped.  Who am I kidding?  There is no way I can fit it all in.  So, I did what I’m recommending you do before you drive yourself into the ground.  I prioritized what needs to be done now versus what can wait until later, then I took some of these responsibilities off my plate.  Ahh, what a relief. 

Here’s what I recommend for you: if you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed, look at everything you are trying to squeeze in and ask yourself what can wait until the new year.  It may be a work project, it may be getting together with certain friends, or fixing that broken shelf in the living room.   I wish we were all Super Man, but we’re not.  Wouldn’t it be great to have some fun and get a bit a relaxation over the holidays?  That’s my challenge to you.  So, take a deep breath and remember that even after Midnight on January 1st, life goes on. 

I have a best, guy friend that I find extremely valuable.  We always have deep discussions about our place in the world and relationships and food.  I find it useful to have a person of the opposite sex to be completely open and honest with, yet you know it will never lead to a night of whoopi.  That way you can gain some insight into another perspective.

Marshall has been a great support through the many years of our friendship.  I feel an acceptance from him that is very freeing.  Recently, I was confessing to him that I was feeling a bit guilty and undeserving.  I went on to explain that I wanted a healthy, positive relationship, and I got a healthy, positive relationship.  I wanted to start my own business, and I now have a prospering business.  I wanted to get married, and I just had a fairytale wedding followed by an awesome honeymoon.  I wanted to get pregnant right away, and the first month I was married, I got pregnant!

Marshal said, “You’re getting what you want.  What’s wrong with that?”  But, I felt it wasn’t fair that so many others face struggle in these areas and for me it has been quite natural.  I also said I was scared that people wouldn’t like me because I’ve been so fortunate.  My ever wonderful friend then asked me a very deep question, “Jessica, just answer me this: do you have a pimple on your ass?”

Yes, I confessed with vigor, and Marshall returned with “Well then, you’re life ain’t perfect, and I wouldn’t want to be you.”  What a great guy!  It’s so good to have someone to put everything in perspective.  Here I was using my success and accomplishment as a reason to be worried and scared, when it is really a time for gratitude and celebration. 

So, here’s to me, my great husband, my wonderful home, my thriving career, my growing belly, and my good friends!  Life sure is grand!

Some people just want everything in life to be easy.  I recently had a guy call me who had just gone through a divorce, his business was failing, and his self esteem was totally low.  When I asked him want he wanted from a Life Coach, he said that he was going on a business trip in a week and needed someone to “fix” him before he left.  Now that’s not asking too much.

Of course I could not do the impossible task he requested of me, but I was able to help him find some clarity about his situation and come up with some useful actions to prepare for his trip.  (Free of charge since it was an initial consultation.)  However, this is a desire I see in the eyes of so many people grasping at creating a better life: they want it all perfect NOW!

In general, I have to say that there is no quick fix that is also long lasting in approaching any area of life.  Yet, I have to admit, I have discovered the quickest of all fixes that you can use in absolutely any situation, and it is so fast, it’s instantaneous.  It’s called getting present, right now.   All you have to do is be completely in this moment and do the best you can right now.   That may mean taking a deep breath, letting go of expectation,  actually paying attention to the road while you drive, picking up the phone and making the call to end the worry, telling the truth, going for a walk, sitting down and doing your work. 

When we are in emotional turmoil, most of us are wrapped up in guilt and resentment for the past or fear and worry for the future.  If you remove those two elements, you remove the internal pain.  Now, I know this is easier said then done, but you wanted to know the quick fix to life, and that is the answer.  When I am experiencing frantic fury and really zero in on the present moment, I can physically feel a release of all the strain.  Life becomes easier, simpler, a joy.  Why don’t you try it, right now?  What is the best thing you can do right now?

If you’d like to explore this concept further, I highly suggest reading or listening to the book ”Be in the Now” by Eckhart Tolle.  When I read this masterpiece, I knew it was the last self-help book I would ever need.  It’s that profound.  I invite you to check it out.